Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Petition concerning Freedom of Expression

If you love art and/or care about your freedom of expression, please check out the above link. Some right-wing extremists in our government are trying to cut funding at the Smithsonian and censor a video exhibit dealing with the recent AIDS epidemic. The article and petition explain more.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

An Open Letter

To every stranger who blew me off when I smiled at you today :

FUCK YOU. I've been in a terrible mood all day, and would gladly have walked right past you without acknowledging your existence. Instead, I tried to be pleasant. I smiled at you. And you walked right past me. Fuck you.



Sunday, October 17, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What do I miss most about my childhood?

I miss bathtime. I miss grabbing that obnoxiously bright bottle of watermelon Mr. Bubble and dumping half of it into the hot water. I miss throwing Barbies and buckets and other crazy toys in the tub. I miss when getting clean was less of a chore and more of an excuse to play.

At what age is one too old to bring toys into the bathtub?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

In reality, an armchair is just another buttchair.

Would an armchair made of jello be comfortable? I feel like it'd feel awesome. I'd make myself a green one.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Trail Mix Sucks

Trail mix sucks because you never want to eat everything that's in there. You find yourself picking around the gross nuts and seeds to get to the M&M's, and then trying a raisin only to rediscover that the salt from the nuts gets all in that shit. Salty raisins? No, thanks. Seriously, who's idea was it to mix everything all together like that? Satan? Yeah, probably. I can just imagine it: Heh-heh... ohh, add some salty nuts in with the raisins so they get all weird and dry and salty. Hey, while you're at it, stick in some weird seeds that'll get stuck in people's teeth, and just enough M&M's to make people think they actually want to eat that shit up. Perfect...

Trail Mix is the Devil's snack. So why am I eating it right now?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Today, I love my job.

This morning, the clear glass on the display table at the country club broke. I wasn't there to witness the accident or the mess it created, but I did get to work a 4-9pm shift behind a display table with a missing plate of glass. This was surprisingly hilarious. As my usual workday involves a lot of cleaning up to kill time, waiting for the occasional customer to come in or call, and generally being bored out of my mind, I truly appreciated the entertainment value of the situation.

So there I am, sitting at the desk, bored as usual. A customer arrives. As he approaches the table, I wonder if he has bothered to read the three signs I painstakingly hung over the hole. He hasn't. He begins to talk before I can warn him about the missing glass, and--WOAH! This poor man drops his wallet in the display case! I apologize profusely for the missing glass, but I'm not really sorry. How could he not have seen the signs I made? Maybe he just can't read, or he's in a hurry? Whatever the case, I was pretty confident that it wouldn't happen again.

Oh, how wrong I was. For the rest of the day, I watched people attempt to lean or place things on a nonexistant surface. Women shrieked with surprise as their pens fell into the chips display. Children lost their balance as they tried to press their noses against thin air. I myself nearly sprayed Windex all over some Snickers bars in the confusion. It was glorious.

I admit, I could have tried harder to verbally warn these people about the missing glass. However, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was just too funny to watch somebody drop their belongings three inches away from the "NO GLASS" sign I had taped up. Today was a great day.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


As I flipped through the TV guide last night in search of a decent movie for my Friday night, I saw that "Yeti" would be on the SyFy channel at 9:00. I totally watched it, and it was the best worst movie I've ever seen. This yeti was prone to smashing human heads like melons, ripping out hearts with its bare hands, and flying. Yes, FLYING. I particularly enjoyed a scene in which the yeti ripped a man's leg from his body and used it to beat said man on the head.

Well, this film got me thinking about how hilarious the idea of a Bigfoot sighting is. I mean, honestly, my first reaction upon seeing a yeti would likely be laughter. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm sure you understand. Anyway, as I sat in bed trying to drift off last night, I began brainstorming different situations where I might see Bigfoot. And I tried to imagine how I would tell somebody about it. Oh, yeah, I saw Bigfoot last night while I was weeding the garden. He stomped through my sandbox and stole my favorite birdbath. Wanna see the footprints?

I need better things to do with my time.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I, Me, Mine.

Isn't it strange that, in the English language, the word "I" is capitalized?

What if "I" was always "i," and "you" was "You"?

Maybe we wouldn't all be narcissistic jerks.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

More like a BIG DORK!!

Today, for the first time since I've been away at school, I lost a sock.

It doesn't seem like it should be a big deal... but somehow, it really upsets me. It wasn't just any sock--it was purple, knee-high, and had pink polka dots. This sock was part of a beautiful pair. Now, the other one is sad and lonely. And rather useless.

I realize I'm not normal when it comes to socks. My collection demands its own full drawer, and then some. I strive to match my socks with the rest of my clothes on a daily basis. If it doesn't work out, my mind is consumed with the horrible idea of unmatching socks all day. Is this insane? Probably. It keeps me happy, though.

That's all.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Oh, dear...

Some mornings, I look in the mirror and see Wednesday Addams staring back at me. I don't like it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"Is it just me, or does the whole world suck?"

There are a handful people in this world that consistently prove to me that the human race has a reason to keep existing.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Deep Fried!

If I owned a deep fryer, I would weigh approximately 329 lbs. Not so much because I enjoy specific fried foods enough to lose self control, but more because of this strange curiosity I've developed about what foods would be tastier if they were deep fried (my initial instinct is to say "everything!" but after more thought, I decided some things are better left out of the fryer).

Deep fried vegetables? Great. Deep fried candy bars? Even better! Deep fried Jell-O? Probably a bad idea.

Would a deep fried Fig Newton taste like a donut? Would foods taste better if you deep fried them twice?

I think calling things "deep fried" could be a catchy new phrase to use instead of "cool" or "awesome." Just imagine it: "Aw man guys, did you see Rocket Power last night? It was tootallllyyy deep fried!" "Hey man, she's pretty deep fried, you dig it?"

Deep fried world.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Is there any point to sledding if your sled runs the length of the entire hill?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Naptime, Anyone?

I think there should be a room on campus where people can go to take naps. It'd be full of bean bags and couches and pillows and blankets and teddy bears and mattresses, and it'd be open 24 hours a day. Imagine just going in for an afternoon nap with a few good friends for an hour. So wonderful. Like preschool.

I took a nap in a field in September. It was beautiful enough that I decided to take a picture of what I was looking at before I fell asleep.

Now is a time for napping.

Friday, January 15, 2010

fucking shit

you know what i fucking like to do? i like to fucking watch people who are walking their fucking lardass dogs around the fucking block, and wait to see if they actually pick up the fucking shit. some buttmunchers actually leave that shit on the fucking sidewalk. fan-fucking-tastic, right? those fuckers. fuck.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


My new year's kiss was with a dog--well, okay--a statue of a dog. And, you know, it was pretty nice. After a night full of dancing to Disco Nights: Divas of Dance and eating junk food with one of my best girlfriends, kissing an inanimate object just felt so right... until the next morning.

I woke up in a toilet. Not next to the toilet, not hugging the toilet, not even on the toilet. In a toilet. After removing myself from that potentially embarrassing situation, I fumbled around for my glasses. Suddenly, I noticed that I was in my underwear. My clothes had been savagely thrown around the bathroom and covered in slime. As I pulled my shirt out from under the sink, I heard a terrifying sound. It was as if a malfunctioning Furby had been sent through a wood chipper. The horrid screech filled the tiny room. Ears throbbing, I spun toward the source of the ruckus: a fully grown mutant slug dog named Ralphie with five ears and only one left toe.

What had looked like an innocent statue the night before was actually seven feet of slimy smelly dog breath. The danger of disco, my friend, is that the world begins to change after about an hour of it. Things that were once horrifyingly bizarre or irritating
--Parisian night suits, John Travolta's dancing, pointy collars, and yes, the mutant slug dog--become an acceptable part of everyday life. Blinded by Shame (Evelyn "Champagne" King), I stumbled into Ralphie twelve seconds before the new year. The rest is 2010.

Am I upset about this unfortunate event? Aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure I flushed my favorite socks down the toilet, no. I feel prepared for any strangeness that has yet to happen this year; moreover, I am looking forward to what might happen with Ralphie. I get the impression that he wants nothing to do with me and my disco music, but hey--a girl can dream. ;)

Happy 2010!!